7:00am Sleep is interrupted by alarm clock. This is obviously an inappropriate time to be waking up on a Saturday, and hit snooze. Twice.
8:00am Realise the time, and hurriedly have a shower and get dressed and out the door, wishing that there had been more sleep the previous night, and less YouTube.
9:00am Suitably caffeinated. Arrive at the Nova Cinema, and take a seat in a theatre predominantly populated by teenage and twenty-something slashfic-writing fangirls.
9:10am Curtains open. Cue John Williams soundtrack. Albus Dumbledore arrives at Number Four, Privet Drive, Little Whingeing.
9:30am Ginny Weasley says her only line in the film: "Good luck, Harry." Most people in the cinema slightly squee, quietly but audibly enough for everybody to realise giggle at what they've done collectively.
10:00am Hermione Granger has reached intolerable levels of annoyingness. Dialogue is full of painful unnecessary exposition and over-acting. How long can this continue for?
11:00am Fluffy slobber. Kids go "ew".
11:30am Hagrid waves goodbye. Hogwarts Express takes everybody home. Or not-home, if you're Harry. Roll credits.
11:45am Harry's voice has broken. The Masons visit the Dursleys. Dobby "takes the cake".
12:00pm Draco tries out some eyebrow-acting which just looks suss. "See you at school, Potter." *wiggles eyebrows" Half the audience giggles.
1:00pm Polyjuice potion. Hermione has facial hair issues.
1:30pm "Why couldn't it be follow the non-arachnid plot device?"
2:00pm Harry Potter battles Tom Riddle and a basilisk, aged 12. Dumbledore states the obvious: "I sense something is troubling you, Harry." Dobby gets a sock. Lucius begins to cast an unforgiveable curse, despite the fact that they don't get mentioned until book four.
2:10pm All exams are cancelled. Just as well, because there were no classes this year. Hagrid comes back. Everybody applauds for no reason. Roll credits.
2:30pm Harry inflates Marge Dursley and is all, like, whatever.
3:00pm Dementors search Hogwart's Express, hissing "Shire... Bagginssss..."
3:30pm Gryffindor vs. Hufflepuff quidditch match. Cedric Diggory looks nothing like Edward Cullen.
4:00pm Sirius Black and Remus Lupin are reunited. Almost snog, but then realise that they have company.
4:30pm Harry and Hermione mess with time travel. Space-time continuum almost implodes on itself.
4:45pm Harry receives his Firebolt, but the film ends before he can actually use it in a quidditch match. Roll credits.
BREAK Re-caffeinate.
5:45pm Harry, Hermione and the Weasleys go for a walk. Edward Cullen jumps out of a tree in front of them, and sparkles slightly.
6:30pm The first unforgiveable curse is uttered when Ron Weasley tells Harry to "piss off" in a PG-rated film.
7:00pm Hermione appears at the top of the stairs, Molly Ringwald style and pretty in pink. All the girls (and some of the boys) in the theatre audibly sigh.
7:30pm Ed Cullen and Harry Potter head into the maze to rescue the baby of power from Jareth the Goblin King.
7:45pm Harry and Voldemort's wands touch. It's weird.
8:00pm Dumbledore tells the entire population that the Ministry doesn't want them to know this, but Cedric Diggory has now been turned into a vampire, and will go on to make awful movies in the United States. Everybody cries a bit. Roll credits.
8:30pm Harry likes kicking things. A lot. And shouting.
9:00pm Umbridge reminds the students that they are actually at school, and there are these things called classes and exams that they should be preparing for. Who would have thought it?
9:30pm Harry seduces Cho Chang under the mistletoe whilst wearing a rather nerdy mandigan. Edward Cullen looks on from the photograph and cringes.
10:00pm Fred and George have somehow gotten their hands on Gandalf's fireworks, and set them off during exams.
10:30pm Somehow, everybody ends up at the Ministry of Magic. Lots of smoke, blurring, evil laughter, and explosions. Sirius dies. Everything goes into slow motion. More explosions and smoke. Harry realises that he has more friends than Voldemort, so he wins. Dumbledore explains that the prophecy says that Harry must eventually face Voldemort and one must kill the other. Harry says, "What? That's it? That explains NOTHING." Roll credits.
Midnight Get home. Blog about my day.
